Who Gives a Flying Carp?
“It’s Not Nice to Fool Mother Nature,” was the title of an advertising campaign I remember from my childhood. The same phrase applies to this ongoing attempt to hold back the watery march of the Asian flying carp. Time marches on. Evolution marches on. And so does our propensity to throw good money after bad.
Millions of dollars have been spent over the course of the last couple of decades trying to stop this fish from making it to Lake Michigan. Electronic barriers and mass poisoning have been among the methods tried. It looked good on the drawing boards, but now the DNA’s in the big lake. Game over. Fish wins.
The problem is, even if you could seal off access for the pest fish naturally, some pest human vandal will circumvent all the efforts just to make trouble. You know there is a dope out there who would love nothing more than to get his jollies watching all the havoc he caused. I picture this guy sitting in his mom’s basement, in his underwear, snickering watching frustrated DNR officials on TV. The point being, even if we could stop the fish, somebody’s going to be dumping it into virgin territory out of spite.
Now what? Here’s the answer: Make the Asian flying carp the trendiest, hippest, and newest delicacy in the Midwest. We need the CIA, FDA, FBI, DNR, DHS, and any other assorted federal and state agencies to fabricate and publicize some bogus study touting the benefits of a diet featuring nothing but Asian flying carp! Build it into the next modern media frenzy! Imagine, if you will, the reaction when America realizes that Asian flying carp are guaranteed to induce weight loss and hair growth. The desperate throngs will hear on Oprah that Asian flying carp hash can increase your brain function and clear up that nasty toe fungus. Eat carp: lower your mortgage, increase your credit score and rebuild that 401k. And if you want to drive the Asian flying carp into extinction forever, just start the rumor that it cures E.D., and watch middle- aged, gray-haired pot-bellied men run for their fishing rods.